Freedom
Why a "BDSM Panel" Put Me Into Tears
written by Aiheng (Ashley)
I almost believe that everyone should learn the BDSM mindset, knowing the number of people suppressed or discriminated by other’s “moral” perspectives, or the number of people that refuse to accept their true self.
BDSM is not about psychos. Instead it’s about respect and freedom.
One sentence describing the BDSM community:
With full respect of other’s consent, freely explore and truly accept who you are and what you love.
Some basic knowledge:
BDSM includes Bondage & Discipline (B/D), Dominance & Submission (D/S), and Sadism & Masochism (S/M). Beside those specific terms, the common word that’s used more generally is kink/kinky/kinkiness.
Today I attended a 50-minute BDSM panel held at UW.
Among the five speakers who identified themselves as BDSM fans, I was most struck by a pair of dominant and submissive. They identified themselves as queer; they were not in a one-on-one relationship as there was another submissive absent; they were constantly showcasing their affection toward each other in front of the audience throughout the panel. They said they were satisfied and happy that their D/S relationship was not limited to sex, but executed throughout their daily activities.
When the dominant told their mother about the D/S relationship between them, their mother was relieved, saying, “Thank God! I thought you were just being so bossy with her.” Imagining this conversation gave me tears.
Another speaker doesn’t identify herself as either dominant or submissive, but a “switch” that chooses her role depending on her mood and status.
Another speaker is a UW student who identifies herself as pansexual. She said, “I basically love people. I love everybody.” The confession with her mother didn’t go as well though, yet she put it this way, “If my mom doesn’t support this part of me, then this part won’t appear in our relationship. I won’t talk to her about my BDSM interests and we’re ok with that.”
No matter if you are my family, friend, or anyone, I am who I am. You can dislike me, but you should respect my freedom, while I won’t force you into accepting anything.
Lots of people learn about BDSM through 50 Shades of Grey. The speakers talked about the pros and cons in this:
The pro is that the movie drew attention and create conversations. BDSM is no longer a taboo topic, and instead people are more likely to discuss about BDSM or even ask experts about it.
The con is that the movie also built some stereotypes that are likely untrue: Firstly, people who are into BDSM do not necessarily have some kind of trauma that led them into this “sick addiction”. It is not a traumatic syndrome or psychopath, but a simple hobby.
On the other hand, the movie sometimes overlooked the principle of consent on the community. It misled people into believing that people into BDSM are dangerous and mentally ill. Simply put, Grey is not a proper spokesperson of BDSM.
Speaking of the principle of consent, it is basically the first lesson on BDSM.
Similar to the contract shown in 50 Shades of Grey, participants have to seek consent before any act. A tip that was recommended by all speakers is a “safe word”. Sometimes saying no actually means yes, and sometimes saying wait actually means faster, yet if the safe ward is said, participants have to understand the speakers really mean what they say.
For example, “yellow” can stand for “it’s close to my limit so please don’t go any further”, and “red” can stand for “STOP RIGHT AWAY”. Certain gestures or action can also do the work.
One speaker gave an interesting view: Kink does not necessarily have to do with sex. In terms of our brain, the areas of fear, humiliation and sex arousal are actually so close to each other that our brains sometimes get mixed up.
"Do you like roller coaster? Do you like to wrap yourself in a blanket? Congratulations! You're kinky!"
Finally, the sentence that impressed me the most:
In “vanilla" relationships, or the most common kind of relationships, there are a lot of existing rules and assumptions built by the society.
Yet in the BDSM community, we have less assumptions and more freedom to learn who you really are and to embrace what you truly love, and further build the kind of relationship that you truly want.
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