Vulnerability

0913
Hanging out with new friends, trying a new sports activity, taking the bus on my own to an unfamiliar district, joining a group dinner with six new faces, getting home at 10pm, starting a conversation with a stranger.

Those aren't easy for me. But I did all those today and I felt perfectly great. It's the similar energy and courage I had back in Europe.

 

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0919
Starting to reach my socializing limit. Again I experienced the feeling of boredness and isolation when I was at a place with hundreds of people constantly looking for topics to talk about, while I couldn't hide my i'm-not-interested-in-talking-anymore face which made me even more isolated. Fortunately I found my temporary comfort zone afterwards. I guess my socializing period has come to an end and now begins my search for a long term comfort zone.

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0920
A long day for me. Saw a familiar face at the bus stop but I wanted to avoid social interactions for a little longer so I stayed quiet. After getting off the bus and started to head to the barbecue place I finally found the courage to say hi and fortunately by starting this conversation, I didn't have to walk into the crowded barbecue place alone looking miserable.

Yet I quickly felt the uncomfort again when I couldn't find someone I wanted to talk with in the huge crowd. So I left the place and wandered around the park alone, enjoying the beautiful view of Seattle skyline. When I climbed up a hill, I surprisedly found several familiar and friendly faces. A Korean friend welcomed me with a sweet warm smile and immediately I found out that she was just as terrified as me by the crowd at the barbecue. Instantly I felt like home. Later I spent two pleasant hours on the hill and even walked 30 minutes back home with these friendly faces.

It's so good to find someone that understands. I could enjoy the day by myself, but there's always more surprises with friends that understand you.

 

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0922
An exhausting but meaningful, inspiring, and motivating day.

Program orientation, 8 hours of nearly unstopping networking, making introverted people including me very insecure and exhausted. Basically they want us to talk to as many different people as possible. (The exhausting part)

Yes there were definitely some awkward and frustrating moments, but I did manage to talk with various new faces (stumbled with my speaking sometimes due to nervousness), and learned inspiring stories and experiences of others. Beyond our different ethnics and background, we share A LOT in common especially the anxiety to this new place. (The inspiring part)

Overall people are so sweet and passionate that I want to be interesting enough to be a part of them. (The motivating part)

Today counts as the first day of my grad school. Meaningful.

 

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0930
End of September.

Finished my first week of class and went through several social events. Every time I am impressed by how inspiring my classmates are, especially with their passion, ideas, the ability to express themselves, and also the warmth and welcoming they are to me. Yet I always get nervous speaking when I want to act better, and thus I stumble. They are so amazing that I want to be seen, remembered, acknowledged as part of them, but I'm not confident enough to express myself.

It's only the first week though. I'll get better.

 

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1018
How would I know whether I'm expanding my comfort zone or not being true to myself?

 

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1020
They asked me why I was willing to do a long distance relationship. Right, it isn't easy, but no relationship is easy anyway.

And I would rather see him through a screen than not seeing him at all.

 

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1026
Suddenly it felt surreal to me, sitting in an English-speaking classroom with inspiring conversations, engaging in reflections, with sunshine flowing through the window and my shadow on the floor......
Kind of living a dream. Surreal.

 

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1107
Vulnerability.

I remember hearing this word for the first time from a classmate during class discussion. I don't think there's a word in Mandarin for it but it didn't take me long to understand its meaning.

I was actually doing this all the time on social media, exposing feelings and struggles, and it struck me that this is actually a concept that is now being embraced. It should be. At least to me it's a sense of therapy. (There should also be a Mandarin word for it.)

 

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1109
"What is your privilege, and how can you use it to advocate on behalf of others?"

My privilege is being in the United States and I want to advocate for Taiwan. But can I? (Can I even advocate for this within the class with Chinese people present?) Reading about America's police brutality toward the blacks, I felt ironic as I now hear about police violence in Hong Kong all the time.

So how can I advocate for them?

 

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1112
I want to remember things.

I want to remember that night I suddenly burst into tears, and that you were there ready to pick me up, not by telling me not to cry, but by telling me how you cried, and stayed right there until I finished crying.
 

There's too much sorrow in life and too much cruelty in the world, but if to cry is what you need, you can cry right next to me. (Stole from grow as we go lyrics)

 

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1122
You think you're used to heartbreaking stories, but this is the first time you witness a friend breakdown. What sucks most is that you can't really find the 'cause' and you can't really blame either of them. She said they used to be happy. You know that's always the case, but now with something to lose, you can't help but worry the happiness you own now will someday be gone.

 

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1130
What do I want to do after all? How do you get answers to that when the time's ticking? Or perhaps you just don't.

I heard a true story from someone who has set her goal clearly and acted aggressively who landed a great job eventually. She's impressive but I don't want to be like that. I don't like aggressive people and I most certainly don't want to be one. If I don't land a job, fine, but I refuse to be someone I'm not. (I guess with this choice I really won't make a lot of money in my life which sucks but whatever)

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To be continued...

Feel free to follow @seattlevulnerable!